just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
