I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm at about main and main street
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
