mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Say something about gay babies.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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