I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
