I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Randomize
