who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
