i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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