I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
