Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize