i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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