Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
