There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
