Girls should come with a carfax report
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
