she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
