I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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