i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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