Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
