I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Help me help you realize you are a moron
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
