I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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