If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
