I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
