I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
