when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
