Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
