My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize