Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
