birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
