WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm too high and old for this...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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