ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
