Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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