That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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