Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
