My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
