i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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