I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
