You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
