Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
