i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
