how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
