It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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