Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
