The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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