Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
