just tell him i said nine months
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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