she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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