I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
