thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
