BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
