I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
