So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
