im about as happy as oj after his trial
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize