Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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