If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
