maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
