I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
