Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
