I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize