I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
