i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just gargled with NyQuil
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
