I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize