Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
