yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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