every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
