I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just high enough for therapy.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize