My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
